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427CARL


CLINTON, ONT

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Things to Ponder (Ponderisms)
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Ambiguities & Idiosyncrasies

 

 

 

 

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

 

 

1.  ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

 

2.  ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

 

3.  IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND  APES?

 

4.  THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

 

5.  I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID 

    IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

 

6.  WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

 

7.  IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

 

8.  IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

 

9.  IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

 

10.  WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

 

11.  WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

 

12.  IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

 

13.  WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

 

14.  WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

 

15.  IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

 

16.  CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

 

17.  IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN  SILENT?

 

18.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

 

19.  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

 

20.  WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

 

21.  ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

 

22.  DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

                      

23.  DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

 

 

 

24.  HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

 

25.  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

 

26.  IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

 

27.  IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

 

28.  WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

 

29.  WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

 

30.  WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

 

31.  WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

 

32.  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

 

33.  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

 

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

 

 



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427CARL


CLINTON, ONT

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O x y m o r o n s 

 

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 

 

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 

 

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 

 

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 

 

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 

 

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 

 

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

 

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 

 

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 

 

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 

 

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 

 

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 

 

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 

 

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 

 

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 

 

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 

 

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 

 

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

 

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 

 

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 

 

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries

are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy

out of your socks?

 


28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?



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parklane


St THOMAS, ONT

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If a male goat is called a ram, and a donkey is called an ass, why is a ram in the ass called a goose??

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jarvis1


COBBLE HILL, BC

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A load on a ship is a cargo.
A load on a car is a shipment.


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jarvis1


COBBLE HILL, BC

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parklane wrote:


If a male goat is called a ram, and a donkey is called an ass, why is a ram in the ass called a goose??

 Did you hear about the ram that ran off the cliff?

He didn't see the ewe turn.



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studeshaker


BUCKHORN, ONT

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have some fun with the guy at the burger joint.........order a veggie burger with extra bacon.



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Pontiacfan


WOODSTOCK, ONT

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Where does the hole go after you eat the doughnut?


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studeshaker


BUCKHORN, ONT

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Pontiacfan wrote:

Where does the hole go after you eat the doughnut?

 i think you might have answered that question already !!!! lol.



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Fordy Acres Car Farm


DORCHESTER, ONT

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Why do they rub an alcohol swab on the arm of a death row inmate before administering a lethal injection?

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