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Post Info TOPIC: Think before you speak


ETOBICOKE, ONT

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Think before you speak
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Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!



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MARKHAM, ONT

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Thank you.

One day at the rink my wife was annoyed that ref wouldn't call anything. After a blatant trip and not a peep out of the ref, my wife couldn't hold back.Wanting him to use the whistle she stood up and yelled "Blow the ref". We all died laughing. Even the ref stopped to see who it was. 



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ST MARY'S, ONT

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Reminds me of the time In Calgary I was a good samaritan and dropped off a fresh load of booze at my buddy's raging party. I had other places to be, but
he of course spills a tumbler of whiskey all over me.

I get in the car, go around the corner and *booya* Check-stop.

Cop: how much have you had to drink today sir?
Me: Honestly, not a lick.
Cop: seriously, how much?
Me: None, It got spilled on me.
Cop: (in a more serious tone) Sir, You stink to high heaven, its obvious you have had a few to drink.
Me: Well... No! You know what? Blow me.

Cop: What!?!

Me: Blow me!

Cop: ....

Me: Oh, crap. I mean the thing, with the straw.

He was pretty livid until I blew a 0.0. We even had a laugh over it.

I was convinced I was off to jail for a moment there.

So much for being a good samaritan.



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THORNHILL, ONT

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LMAO!!! For me it was the time my wife told me (after going to the doctor for a physical)," the doctor told me I gained thirteen pounds since last check up!". I replied " you needed to go the doctor to tell you that"? Wow, the look in her eyes, could have cut steel plate like a plasma cutter!!!

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I'd rather be in the garage!  I'm old school, I use the "inches" side of the measuring tape!

 

DJD


SCARBOROUGH, ONT

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sitting in a buddy's shop in a chair in front of the desk he's sitting behind

his wife walks up and asks me
"are you afraid of heights ?"

me , not thinking of the joke we all know say , no , what did you have in mind?

buddy just about fell out of his chair laughing so hard

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SOUTH RIVER, ONT

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Ninop69 wrote:

LMAO!!! For me it was the time my wife told me (after going to the doctor for a physical)," the doctor told me I gained thirteen pounds since last check up!". I replied " you needed to go the doctor to tell you that"? Wow, the look in her eyes, could have cut steel plate like a plasma cutter!!!


Glad you were able to outrun her that time.....But I'd still sleep lightno  We do keep track of those things!!

Just sayin lmao

 



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Janice



THORNHILL, ONT

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OOOHH ya, you got that right sister!

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I'd rather be in the garage!  I'm old school, I use the "inches" side of the measuring tape!

 



ONTARIO

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DJD wrote:

his wife walks up and asks me
"are you afraid of heights ?"

me , not thinking of the joke we all know say , no , what did you have in mind?


 

Honestly, I don't understand this one confuse



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ONTARIO

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DB Cooper wrote:
 

Honestly, I don't understand this one confuse


 Glad I'm not the only one ! smilesmile



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DJD


SCARBOROUGH, ONT

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"are you afraid of heights?"

ie- your flying low ...

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XZ


ONTARIO

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DJD wrote:

"are you afraid of heights?"

ie- your flying low ...


 Ahhhh !! Got it !! smile



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DJD


SCARBOROUGH, ONT

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to add
I DID think before I spoke at that time

she asked about heights , I paused looked up at the rafters of the shop , looked back at her all innocent and then asked what she had in mind

as homer would say .. DOH!!

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XZ


ST MARY'S, ONT

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janies dirty 37 wrote:
Ninop69 wrote:

LMAO!!! For me it was the time my wife told me (after going to the doctor for a physical)," the doctor told me I gained thirteen pounds since last check up!". I replied " you needed to go the doctor to tell you that"? Wow, the look in her eyes, could have cut steel plate like a plasma cutter!!!


Glad you were able to outrun her that time.....But I'd still sleep lightno  We do keep track of those things!!

Just sayin lmao

 


 Ahh.. so *THIS* Is why your wife's car shouldn't be faster than yours... :)



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SOUTH RIVER, ONT

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Exactly!!!


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Janice

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