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Post Info TOPIC: morning giggle
shag766


FOXBORO, ONT

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morning giggle
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Steve Wright

 

 

Steven Wright is the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
 
 Here are some of his gems.
 
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
 
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
 
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 
 
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
 
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
 
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
 
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
 
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
 
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
 
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
 
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
 
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
 
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 
 
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
 
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
 
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
 
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 
 
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
 
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 
 
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
And the all-time
 favourite
:
 
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

 

 

 

 



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if your not the lead dog-the view is all the same
hotroddonnie


BARRIE, ONT

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Some good ones there!

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HILLBILLY HOTRODDIN
Fordy Acres Car Farm


DORCHESTER, ONT

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Steven Wright is a good one, love that dead pan style!

One of my favorites was: "I had to do some errands downtown. I was lucky and found a spot with a sign that said 'Free Parking-30 minutes only'. My errands only took 20 minutes, so I had to sit there for another 10 minutes". Straight faced.



-- Edited by Fordy Acres Car Farm on Saturday 26th of July 2014 10:19:27 AM

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hotroddonnie


BARRIE, ONT

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LOL!



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HILLBILLY HOTRODDIN
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