I'd just come out of the deli with a roast beef sandwich, bag of chips, an ear
of corn & a jumbo sausage, all for my lunch.  A poor, homeless man sat there and said

'I've not eaten for two days.'  I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonalds at lunchtime.  She said 'Sorry about the
wait'.  I replied, 'Don't worry, you may find a way to lose it eventually'.
 
 
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked up at me and said 'Any change?'  I replied, 'Nope,
you're still black'.
 
 
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches
tonight.  I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
 
 
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.  But
since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works
best!

 
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter
speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth
closed.

 
I hate all this terrorist business. I miss the days when you could look at an
unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself.... ' I'm going
to take that.'
 
 
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a
farmer in the fields and shouts to him, 'Where am I?'  The farmer looks up
and shouts back,  'You're in a basket, you dumb ass!'
 

  I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last
question which I got wrong.  The question was where do women have the
curliest hair?  Fiji was the correct answer.  Hell, how did I know they
wanted the name of a country?

 
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.  

Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off
is a piece of cake.